Candan`s Blog Site: April 2006

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Jill Pellarin's comments about the photo "Candan and Ballet"

Dear Jill, I thought the other members deserve to see your comments more readily, so I publish them here:

She is so beautiful here. . . the epitome of beauty and grace. I wanted so much to see Candan dance in person, and she promised me she'd invite me the next time. . . but there was no next time. My older sister danced with a ballet company for seven years, and I know the discipline that it takes to be a dancer. Candan had that discipline and dedication; even after she became ill, she still wanted to dance.

I'm glad I got to see videotapes of Candan dancing at the gathering to celebrate her life at Connecticut College on April 7th. Watching her on the tapes, my daughter Mara and I said to one another that anyone woul pick her out as one of the best dancers. What vibrancy and poise she ha--real star quality. If there are any other videos of her dancing, I would love to see them one day.

3:22 AM

Sometimes it's hard having transferring schools, and forcing myself to be extraoutgoing seems laborious, but then I think of Candan and her smiling face pops into my head and her bouncy brown curls and big warm eyes. I think of her laugh and see her running up to people on campus, giving them big hugs and saying hello to people that she isn't sure would acknowledge her back. Her carefree loving spirit said, "I am here for everybody." I think of these moments with Candan and realize that I can do that too. She has helped me so much to remember what it is to give unconditional love and attention. When I am down on myself, I just think, "try to be more like Candan." She encourages me every day!

Candan and the Teddy Bear

I met Candan once, she must have been 6 or 7 years old. I saw a remarkable child, highly gifted and of a great charm. Coming then back from Bursa to Fribourg I went to an old fashined toy shop and bought a Teddy Bear for her. I remember this was on a warm sommer day, and in the shop the sales lady asked me for whom this Teddy Bear would be. I told her for an extrardinary young lady in Bbursa. So she selected one for me, and made a parcel, and this I sent to Candan. In all these years since then much has happend. And much I have forgtten. But not Candan.

My Prayer By Candan's Grave

Today I visited Candan's grave, as I have done several times since her burial on 14th March. I read "Yasin", as I do every morning. However, this time I did not feel peace as always before, but a pang of sorrow. Her last minutes came to my mind. I imagined life going on at Connecticut College without her; people having fun, attending parties, making future plans, etc. Neither she nor I deserved this, if that wouldn't offend God.

Added on 02 May 2006: These were Jill Pellarin's comments. I felt like publishing them:

Every day, every spring day that goes by, I feel sad that Candan is not here to see it. And like yours, Bayraktar, my grief sometimes turns to doubt and despair. Then I remember the person that Candan was. How much life she packed into her twenty brief years on this earth! And I remember too how freely she gave her love with both words and hugs. I was almost startled when she first told me, "I love you." But then it was so easy to love her back. . . now her beautiful face smiles at me from my bureau, and I can feel that love shining on me. I was always sending Candan "virtual" email hugs. If only I could hold her in my arms and hug her, tell her one more time how much she meant to me, how much I loved and miss her.

10:09 PM

Candan and ballet

3 (Candan in Les Sylphides, Bursa, probably June 2001)

Jill Pellarin comments about this photo (Thanks, Jill.):

She is so beautiful here. . . the epitome of beauty and grace. I wanted so much to see Candan dance in person, and she promised me she'd invite me the next time. . . but there was no next time. My older sister danced with a ballet company for seven years, and I know the discipline that it takes to be a dancer. Candan had that discipline and dedication; even after she became ill, she still wanted to dance.

I'm glad I got to see videotapes of Candan dancing at the gathering to celebrate her life at Connecticut College on April 7th. Watching her on the tapes, my daughter Mara and I said to one another that anyone woul pick her out as one of the best dancers. What vibrancy and poise she ha--real star quality. If there are any other videos of her dancing, I would love to see them one day.

3:22 AM