Sunday, July 30, 2006

The first (but hopefully not the last) dream...

Candan has finally appeared to me in a dream. However absurd and insignificant and even disappointing it may be, this is how it goes:

I can not figure out the setting or the connection. It was like an ordinary evening in life. Candan asked me about Daniel Barenboim (the pianist and conductor), and we talked about which language the surname might have come from. We speculated and speculated like two etymologists. No emotions or anything of the kind were involved. Then... Then I woke up.

I do hope this won't be the dream I was waiting for.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Doğumgünün kutlu olsun canımmmm!

Biraz geç yazıyorum doğumgünü yazını ama kızma sakın. Bir türlü kendimi toparlayıp da bişeyler yazamadım. Orduevindeki doğumgünün geldi aklıma sabah ilk uyadığımda. Biz her doğumgününde o zamanki gibi beraber olucaz hiç merak etme. Sonra senin bize aldığın ikiz meleklere baktım. Sen onlardan daha meleksin şimdi. Seni çok seviyoruz canım. İkizlerin seni hiç ama hiç unutmıcak. Doğumgünün kutlu olsun!

Candan'ın doğum günü...

25 Temmuz, Candan'ımın 21. yaş günüydü. Mezarı başında bir pastanın üzerindeki mumu üfleyerek kutladım. Onun namına... Ruhu şad olsun.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Some more photos...


2004, 2003

End 1998, July 1996

25 July 2000, Nov. 2002

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Candan's photos...






Passport-sizes this time: 17 June 1990, February 1994, 1995, 14 July 1994 (after her first-ever haircut), and 1989 .

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

One more dream

It was three days ago, a Saturday night. Candan visited my dream. It was short, but she looked happy.

I am since long through with the exams of a student's life. But it was one of those dreams where you are supposed to enter some exams but you find out that you are not ready at all. Although the exams are related to my PhD studies, the classroom is situated at the Koc School where both Candan and I had our secondary education. Anyway, after a short struggle either I manage to get through the exams or find out that they are not real, then the scene changes right away.

Now we are driving along a certain seaside, perhaps somewhere south of Turkey. Perhaps we are celebrating the ending of finals. It is a beautiful sunny day. I am seated at the back of the car and an enthusiastic conversation is going on about life and happiness and we are really having fun. I do not remember who is driving. Suddenly the person seated near the driver turns back and I realize her to be Candan.

In real life, the last time I saw Candan in full health was at a piano recital on 21 June 2000, where she was on stage, performing Für Elise of Beethoven. Yes, she was an appreciated amateur piano player, for those who do not know. I surprisingly learned that she did not share this part of her life with some of her newer friends. Here is a photo of that recital, including Candan who bows at the final part alongside her fellow piano player friends.


After her illness, I visited her once at the hospital but I couldn't enter her room due to hygenic reasons. I could not see her face, then. The Cndan I saw in my dream was not the child of my last memories, but the young lady I see in the photos here. She looked quite happy and she was speaking vividly.

As we talk of happiness, she said that it is love which makes us all happy and she said she was so lucky that she found it in every part of her short life. She said she was so grateful that she found it in Soren.

Unfortunately this is all I remember. That same Saturday we have lost another great friend of that same villain disease (but I did not know it then). He was young too, only 44. These are unforgivable mistakes of the order (or whatever) that decides upon our fate. I feel as if honored members of my universal family are fading away to the unknown.

In life I did not know Candan too well. Our paths have crossed in only several pleasant occasions. Yet after her passing, the sadness and pain that took me was deep. How could a life like this be eternally wasted? Yet as I speak to people and read the pieces of her life here, I am slightly releived to learn that the fragile child I knew had grown to be an extraordinary, vivid young lady who discovered the essence of happiness, made it a center of her and others' lives and concurred so many hearts with this attitude. Not all can feel the beauty of inspiration that comes when one has found the exact way to express her entire soul and spirit. Even a short moment of this is worth many lives. She found this in dance. But I never saw her dancing. I did not even know that she danced. What can we do? Perhaps, if the old is allowed to inherit from the young, we could try to inherit a piece of her spirit and make it endure with a smiling patience through the ruthless tragedies of our lives.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Another dream...

(I have revised the story as per the corrections -cleaning dirt is significant- that my friend made over the telephone.)

A friend of mine who has never seen Candan in life had a dream of her recently. See if you will find it very interesting, too (comments are very welcome):

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It is a crystal clear spring day. Rain has drenched everything. We drive to visit my parents apparently residing somewhere high up in Mount Uludağ. I change my mind after most of the way and stay there. She walks to the village house on her own and lights the wood stove upon my dad’s request who is busy chopping firewood. She washes her soiled hands in the creek flowing right beneath the doorstep. My dad says: “In our house cleaning dirt is done outdoors, that’s why this is our only water.” He goes on: “ Where’s our boy, didn’t come, did he? Each time just before he makes it he either pauses or goes back. He might also have wished you to find your own way here.” My fascinated friend looks around and sees Candan doing ballet on a hilltop! Suddenly she pops to another peak and goes on dancing. Then to another like a butterfly, and another, and... An incredible beauty, extraordinary grace! My friend hurtles down to let me know, starts shouting “Candan, Candan, she’s over there, look at her on those hills!...”, and wakes up shouting.
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My friend said Candan looked very happy and worry-free.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Candan çok sevdiği 2002 mezunlarının eğlencesinde...

Koç Özel Lisesi 2002 mezunları Çağıl ve Özge Kurt 'a eğlencelerinde eşlik ediyor, ABD'ye gitmeden beş ay önce, ISTANBUL, 29 Mart 2003

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Candan olmadan...

Canım benimmm. Şu paylaştıklarımızı bir yazmaya çalışsam nereye sığdırabilirim bilmiyorum. Bir dans kulisinde bana gülen gözleriyle yanaşıp, "Merhaba ben Candan!" diyen güzel kızı unutabilmem mümkün mü hiç?
Anılarımızla yaşıyorum şimdi ben canım benim. Alelacele hazırlanan yemekler, bitmek bilmeyen dans provalarına sığdırılan inanılmaz eğlenceler, selam taklitleri, Taksim 1, Taksim 2, çizgi film izleyen babalar, KARANFİL... Sence kim bizim kadar şanslı olabilmiştir Candan? Artık dans da etmiyorum, gitarımı da çok az alıyorum elime. Hep beraberken başardıklarımızı hatırlamak bana yetiyor zaten. Resimlerimizle, videolarımızla geçiyor çoğu zaman.
İki gün önce rüyamda kırmızı bir elbiseyleydin. Dünyalar kadar güzeldin. Aklıma lise son mezuniyetimiz için elbise seçişimiz geldi uyanınca. Diploma törenine hazırlanışımız.
Üniversite diplomamı da aldım ama hiç istemedim sensiz almayı canım benim. Sıradan yürürken bana kenardan el sallayan Candanım yoktu çünkü yanımda. Ya da tören öncesi hazırlanmama yardım eden... Bu sene sonunda ikizlerin de lise sonda olduğu gibi hazırlamak isterdi seni. Ama biliyorum ki sen benim yanımdaydın diplomamı alırken. Her anımda da yanımda olacaksın benim güzel yüzlü cenncennim. Ben seni hissediyorum çünkü. Biz seninle rüyalarımda buluşuyoruz zaten sen gittiğinden beri. Her ne kadar ağlayarak da uyansam çoğu zaman, biliyorum ki sen layık olduğun gibi muhteşem bir yerden izliyorsun hepimizi.
Seni çok özlüyorum en güzel üçüzüm. Seni çok seviyorum.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Candan`s Blog Site

Dearest Candan

Today I have been missing your presence on planet Earth, feeling the world was a poorer place without you. I've been missing you a lot again lately, probably because I'm rereading your letters as I send them to your parents. And we are in mid-summer here, fast approaching your birthday, Soren comig home in another month, and it just seems somehow that you should be "coming home" too. Sweetheart, I send, as always, my love to you wherever you are. More and more I want to believe in something because I want to believe that your bright and shining presence is still present somewhere.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Candan her yerde...

Candan her yerde... Efes Pilsen - CSKA Moskova basketbol maçını izlemeye gitmiştim, salondaydı. (İlk kez Abdi İpekçi'ye Candan'sız gitmiştim.) Tuzla'da balık yemeye gittim, bir 19 Mayıs'ta gösteri yaptığı yerin tam karşısındaydım. Bostancı Deniz Otobüsü İskelesi'ne gittim, dans provaları için okul servisi bekleyen kızların yanındaydı. Eskihisar - Topçular arasında Ata Nutku arabalı vapurundaydım, hafta sonları Koç Lisesi'nden dönerken hangi vapurun en hızlı olduğunu anlatıyordu. Araç'ta Nihat Kütükoğlu ile sofradaydık, o da yanımızda Coca Cola dökülmüş baklavaya gülüyordu. Princess Hotel'in yanından geçiyordum, İrem'in düğününde dans ediyorduk. Ya Güzel Mavi Tuna'yı nasıl dinleyebileceğim içimin sızısına dayanarak? Çok severdi o eseri... Fındıkkıran'ı nasıl izleyebileceğim?

Ruhun şad, yerin Cennet olsun sevgili Kızım!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Lovely ladies in lovely Istanbul...



All-smiles Candan and Julia with the Sultanahmet ("The Blue") Mosque in the background, March 2005, ISTANBUL

(Candan had endured a long walk despite her fatigue that day just to show her friends around.)