Still missing you, Candan

Candan`s Blog Site

This past weekend I went up to Acadia National Park in Maine, my favorite place in the world (well, I haven't been very many places). Since you died last March, I have been longing to be there, up high in the mountains where I cannot see a ribbon of road or a rooftop or any sign of people. I feel like I am at the beginning of time when I am there, and I badly needed to feel the peace that comes with being there.

But I miss you, Candan. Tomorrow my parents will arrive from South Carolina to see Mara graduate high school this Sunday. As I worked today, I was thinking that in another universe--one in which you didn't become ill--this might have been the time when you would have met my parents, Soren's grandparents, if we had been lucky enough to keep you for a few extra weeks at the end of your junior year. I remember a letter you wrote me once about how much your grandfather meant to you, how you liked to climb the hills with him and gather fresh oregano and watch the sunset. My parents would have loved you, Candan, like everyone else who met you. When they come tomorrow, I will show them this Web site so they can see some more pictures of the lovely young woman Soren loved.

Candan through the years... (4)

On the dance floor with Daddy at a wedding ceremony, Princess Hotel, Istanbul (29 June 2002)

Article on Candan in the CC Magazine

What follows is the article on Candan in the Spring 2006 issue of the Connecticut College Magazine:


Candan Bayraktar ’07, 1985-2006

CC loses a vibrant spirit


At freshmen orientation, Candan Bayraktar '07 went to Student Health Services to get a vaccination that was not available in her hometown in Turkey. "Even though more than one hundred new students had come through [the] office that day, she was the most memorable," said Cheryl Kruszewski, assistant director of Student Health Services. "Her excitement was hard for her to contain. I still smile when I think of her on that first day and of how thrilled she was to be here."

Candan's infectious smile permeated the campus community. Since her death on March 11, her fellow students have posted nearly daily comments about her spirit and vibrancy on Candan's profile in Facebook, a social networking Web site.

For starters, there is the simple comment left there 12 days after her death by her boyfriend, Søren Gabrielsen '07: "I miss you so much."

It goes on and on, from Julia, Yuko, Jessica, Pote, Jesse, Breigh, Kelly, Felipe ... in English, Turkish, Spanish ... notes of remembrance, of faith and of hope.

It did not take her long to capture the hearts of her fellow CC students. Candan arrived on campus for her freshman year in 2004 and left in the middle of her sophomore year after suffering a relapse of Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She died in Ankara, Turkey, to the enormous distress of not only her family but of the family she created at CC in little more than a year.

Kathleen Callaghan, Candan's freshman year roommate, knows intimately the impact Candan had on people: "She was my sister and one of my best friends. She holds secrets that no one else will ever know. She taught me how to grow, be open and to love. These are qualities not just anyone can teach."

The sentiments of her Facebook friends, of which she had hundreds at CC alone and many more at college and universities across the United States, are underscored by faculty, staff and other students who recall a spirit of unparalleled energy, who loved -no, lived- to dance.

"Even when she was sick and almost falling over, she wanted to dance," said Heidi Henderson, visiting assistant professor of dance. "I let her dance and am so glad that I honored her own choice in that way, because I would feel so sad now if I had taken one minute of dancing away from her."

Candan concentrated on dance and biochemistry. She was a pre-med major and member of the CC Dance Club and Dance Team.

"Your presence, your smile, and your dance always light up the room."-Pote Jarupanich '06

In her second semester of freshman year, Candan was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Her divorced parents stayed together at College House to care for her. "She was worried about losing her hair," said Deniz Dinler '07. "I shaved my head, and then shaved hers. She was a great person, a great friend, a beautiful dancer and a very smart woman."

Beverly Kowal '90, associate dean of the College and international student advisor, remembered that Candan always began her e-mails to Kowal the same way: "I hope this finds you in happiness."

Candan endured chemotherapy yet continued to attend dance classes.

David Milstone, dean of Student Life, sat in on group meetings with Candan and her parents. "I saw a young woman who tried to comfort her parents as they expressed to us their obvious concern for her well-being," he said. "I saw a mom who was so devoted to her daughter that she came to live with her in a campus apartment for a month, despite not speaking any English. I saw a father whose daughter meant the world to him, doing all in his power to get the best help for her."

"You were inspirational, and that's something that holds true with or without your physical presence on earth."-Jessica Bayner '07

In the fall of 2005, Yaesemin Ozumerzifon '06 videotaped Candan's friends' thoughts and feelings about her. "Looking at what people said, it was clear she had an important place in many people's hearts," she said. "She lit up the room when she entered. Her eyes shine with enthusiasm, energy, kindness and love. You could tell a lot about her by looking at her eyes."

"You will light up heaven with your smile."-Julia Wisbach '06

Weeks after her death, Selin Devranoglu '06 said, "I can feel her around everywhere on campus. I always thought she fit so well into this school and that she made a great decision to come here and make our lives brighter by being with us and she still does."

A memorial service centered on her love of dance was held for her on campus on the evening of April 7. - NML

Get moving, please - Neredesiniz?

Come on, Candan expects you to be more productive! Is this all you have to send?

Haydi, bu kadarcık mı yazacağınız? Candan daha üretken olmanızı bekliyor!

Candan through the years... (3)

Dance of the Cygnets, Swan Lake (9 June 2002), Bursa
(Candan at left)

Seckin's dream

Seckin was one of the four non-medical people present (the other three were myself, her mother, and my cousin Yilmaz) during Candan’s passing. She called me the week before and told me of her dream, which I find worth sharing:

The setting was a place similar to our apartment in Ankara. Seckin, I, and “invisible” (?) others were chatting when Candan entered smiling and said something like “You lot, isn’t your chat enough already?” Her tone was not reproachful but sweet. She was thin as in her last days.

Candan's Memorial

On Saturday I watched the DVD of Candan’s Memorial. I burst into tears soon after it began and cried for almost an hour. I still feel shattered. I have not been this bad since April. You can not do without watching, but watching knocks you down; it is probably a paradox. Thank you to all who took part in the realization of My Love’s Memorial!

My write-up for Her

This was my write-up for my Love the year She decided to study in the USA. See if it matches your opinion of Her:



Thinking on how to start, I could not refrain from starting with a rather bold remark: I am probably one of the luckiest and happiest fathers in the world to have a child like Candan.

I can not express it in a more subtle way: She is a good person in every sense. She is kind-hearted, caring, sensitive, honest, reliable, and well-behaved. I am amazed at the excellence of her human relations and actually try to learn from her in that respect. She is liked by just everybody somehow (the feeling may even not be mutual), and it is sometimes difficult for me to dig out the secrets behind this. She likes to help others, and sometimes overdoes this. She could do with a bit of more aggresiveness.

She has great perseverance. She has leaped over several testing stages in life without loss of morale or determination. One can hardly tell when she is sick. She does not complain, which I think she should do more. I frequently share my worries with her and end up regenerated. She has gone through adolescence without any serious complications.

Candan is of distributed talents, which at times makes decisions difficult. She is almost equally good at every course, rather than peaking in one. Still the technical side is more apparent. She is very good at ballet, and playing the piano. She also sings brilliantly. She is a member of the school athletics team; I think she could have been an international success had she devoted more time. Well, she could be better at housekeeping; she actually has not had a great deal of practice being a boarder.

Candan through the years... (2)

Beside the piano (Bursa, May 1996)



At the secondary scholl graduation ball (Kurucesme Divan, Istanbul, June 2000)


3Candan absorbed in TV (Bursa, August 1995)

To anonymous contributors...

Dear anonymous contributors, thank you for your comments. Could you kindly put down your names?

Candan through the years... (1)

Jill Pellarin asked for this, and I thought what a good idea!






Candan with her love bird - spot the bird :)) (Bursa, November 1994)

Candan en son...

Bu blog'u zaman içinde zenginleştireceğim. Katkıda bulunmak isteyen var mı?

Candan’ın son…

* sözü: “Bismillahirrahmanirrahim”, 11 Mart 2006, ANKARA
* yüzüşü: Hisarönü (Marmaris), Haziran 2004
* oturduğu ev: Portakal Çiçeği Sokak, 42/3 ÇANKAYA/ANKARA
* yüzyüze konuştuğu kişi (anababası ve sağlık personeli dışında): Esin Boztaş (Hacettepe Hastanesi’ndeki odasında), 10 Mart 2006, ANKARA
* izlediği film (sinemada): Harry Potter, Goblet of Fire, Kasım 2005, Armada, ANKARA
* yer aldığı dans gösterisi: Connecticut College, Aralık 2004, NEW LONDON/ABD

* izlediği bale gösterisi: Don Kişot (Ankara Devlet Opera ve Balesi), Mayıs 2005, ANKARA
* emzik emişi: 1 Mart 1987, BURSA
* kayak yapışı: Ocak 2004, Uludağ, BURSA
* izlediği futbol maçı (stadyumda): Fenerbahçe-Çaykur Rizespor, Ocak 2004, Şükrü Saraçoğlu Stadyumu, İSTANBUL (aynı zamanda ilk)
* izlediği basketbol maçı (salonda): Türkiye-Litvanya, Mayıs 2003, Abdi İpekçi Spor Salonu, İSTANBUL

Candan’ın ilk…

* sözü: “Baba”, 28 Şubat 1986, BURSA (daha önce de söylediği ifade edilmişti)
* denize girişi: Karaincir Plajı, 22 Ağustos 1986, BODRUM
* kendi başına simitle yüzüşü: Jandarma Kampı, 10 Ekim 1986, SİDE
* oturduğu ev: 35. Sokak, Ayduk Apartmanı, Daire:1 EMEK/ANKARA
* bale derslerine başlayışı: Neriman Bale Kursu, Eylül 1989, BURSA
* yer aldığı bale gösterisi: Ahmet Vefik Paşa Tiyatrosu, Ali Baba’nın Çiftliği’nde civciv, Haziran 1990, BURSA
* izlediği bale gösterisi: Fındıkkıran (İstanbul Devlet Opera ve Balesi), 1989, İSTANBUL
* kar görüşü: 18 Ocak 1986, BURSA
* balon patlatışı: 18 Ocak 1986, BURSA
* salıncağa binişi: 19 Ocak 1986, KÜLTÜRPARK/BURSA
* çıkardığı diş: Sağ alt, 25 Şubat 1986, BURSA
* yardımsız “sıralayışı”: 27 Mayıs 1986, BURSA
* yardımsız yürüyüşü: Annesine doğru, 10 Haziran 1986, BURSA
* gezinme biçiminde yürüyüşü: 29 Temmuz 1986, BURSA
* anaokuluna gidişi: Özel Minik Kreş, 1 Temmuz 1986, BURSA
* ev dışında anababasız kalışı: Anaokulu öğretmeni Emel Üskardeş’in evi,4 Haziran 1989, BURSA
* televizyon programı çekimi: Adam Olacak Çocuk, 11 Haziran 1989, Galatasaray Lisesi, İSTANBUL
* ciddi hastalanışı: Ateş ve ishal, 3 Temmuz 1986, BURSA
* ülke dışına çıkışı: CISV programıyla Finlandiya’ya, Haziran 1996
* izlediği futbol maçı (stadyumda): Fenerbahçe-Çaykur Rizespor, Ocak 2004, Şükrü Saraçoğlu Stadyumu, İSTANBUL (aynı zamanda son)

Ilk Turkce Mesaj Asli Abla'dan...

Herkese Merhaba

Uzun zamandır Candan için bişeyler yazmaya çalışıorum ama nedense bir türlü içime sinmiyor.Yazılan hiç birşey sanki yeterli gelmiyor.Bu duygumu paylaştığım Kılıçaslan Bey mükemelliyet düşünmeden yazmamın iyi olacağını hatırlatınca boşuna beklediğimi farkettim.
Candan ve Soren’e ait dört ayrı resim panomda asılı,Candan’ın mezuniyet resmiyse bilgisayarımın kenarında duruyor.Hatıralarımın çoğunda Candan varken,bu hatıraları O’na bakarak anmak beni çok daha mutlu ediyor.İlk aklıma gelen uzun rengarenk çoraplarıyla yatılı koridorlarında cıvıl cıvıl halleriyle koşuşturması ...Ve her koşuşturma sonrası bana uğraması.Her dans provası çıkışında dans edeceği şarkıyı kendi sesiyle mırıldanarak bana prova yapıp nasıl olduğunu sorması....Ve benim ağzım açık O’nu hayranlıkla izlemem.Nihayet dansını sergileyeceği”Talent Show” ya da “Ramfest”günleri.Telaş içinde hazırlanışı....Ve herkesi kendine hayran bırakan dansı...Herkesin içinde sıcacık duygular uyandıran ve O’nu unutulmaz kılan kişiliği....Sınav önceleri odama hızla girip panikle yapmak zorunda olduğu bir sürü işi tek tek parmaklarıyla sayarak bana anlatışı...Sabahları bir türlü uyanamayışı...Mezuniyet günü...O’nu ve diğer mezunları gururla izlediğim ama gözyaşlarıma hakim olamadığım o mezuniyet günü....Koparız sanıyordum aslında...Ama bizim Candan’la esas birbirimize bağlanışımız mezuniyet sonrasında başladı.O artık bana “Hocam” değil ”Aslı Ablam” ya da “Ablası” demeye başlamıştı.Ben de O‘na “Cenncennim”...Bizim eve geldiği zaman yaşadıklarımız ise unutulacak gibi değildi.Ailemin Candan’ı kendi çocukları gibi görüşü,kendini hemen sevdirişi,abimin çaldığı müziklerle Candan’la dans edişimiz,daha doğrusu Candan’ın bana dans dersi verişi...Havuz başındaki muhabbetlerimiz....Ayrılmak istemeyişimiz ve eve gidişini hep ertelememiz.Derken Amerika’ya gitme vakti gelmişti.Üniversiteye giderken ne kadar korktuğunu hatırlıyorum.Ne kadar endişeli olduğunu.Orada ilk kez yatakhaneye girişini.İlk gününü...Sonra gelen bir mail beni nasıl da rahatlatmıştı.Ne kadar mutlu olduğunu anlatıyordu,oda arkadaşlarının kimler olduğunu ve nasıl kaynaştıklarını...İşte o maili okuyunca tüm endişelerim sona ermişti.Çektirdikleri resimleri de beraberinde göndermişti.Ve sakladığım mailinden kısa bir alıntı...O’nun kelimeleriyle....” yaaa simdi bu fotoraflari benim oda arkadasim cekmis onun icin en cok onunla fotorafim var. Kendisi Kathleen ve utah li ve benim favori arkadasim odadaki. Onun disinda kizil kivircik sacli olan Julia ve sarisin olan alex.
Bide iki tane erkek eleman var ki biri benim buradaki en yakin arkadaslarimdan biri (sarisin olan) adi Soren. Resimlere baktiktan sonra direk silin derim cunku daha guzel fotoraflar gondermeyi dusunuyorum ilerde.”Tabi ki resimleri silmedim.Ama O dediği gibi yeni resimlerini yolladı.Resimlerinde ilk baktığım şey gözlerindeki ifade olurdu.Acaba gerçekten mutlu muydu?Hep gözlerinin içi gülüyordu ve ben rahatlıyordumSık sık telefonda konuşuyorduk.Hatta bir sabah O beni aramıştı.Saat tam yediye yedi kala telefon çaldı”Ablası hep sen bizi uyandıracak değilsin ya”günaydııııııııııııın”demişti.O günüm o kadar güzel geçmişti ki...Sürekli mailleşiyorduk.Ve hem telefonlarda hem de maillerinde sürekli Soren’den bahseder olmuştu.Anlatıyor anlatıyor arkasından da şöyle diyordu”Ama aramızda hiç bişey yok ablası,sadece çok iyi arkadaşız”O çok iyi arkadaşı hayatının aşkı oldu sonra.Yazdığı mailleri okuyorum da sanırım benim Cenncenn’im mutluluktan uçuyorduJÇok az insanın yakalayabileceği güzellikte şeyler yaşıyordu.Hastalığını bir paragrafta anlatırken Soren’i anlata anlata bitiremiyordu.VE SOREN...SANA CANDAN’A YAŞATTIĞIN TÜM GÜZELLİKLER İÇİN,HER ZAMAN O’NUN YANINDA OLDUĞUN İÇİN,AŞKIN SAFLIĞINI,MUTLULUĞUN MAXİMUMUNU HİSSETTİRDİĞİN İÇİN ÇOK AMA ÇOK TEŞEKKÜRLER.O’NUN HAYATININ ANLAMI OLDUN,O’NA GÜÇ VERDİN....CANDAN’I SEVEN VE YAKINDAN TANIYAN HERKES ADINA SANA MİNNETTAR OLDUĞUMUZU SÖYLEMEK İSTİYORUM.
Candan’a dair anlatılacak o kadar çok şey o kadar çok anı var ki aslında.Tüm o güzel günler anılarımızda yaşayacak.O’na sık sık şöyle derdim”Canım Cenncenn’im bana ablalığı doya doya yaşatıyorsun....Seni o kadar çok seviyorum ki kan bağımız olsa ancak bu kadar olabilirdi”...Seninle aramızdaki bağ hep böyle kalacak..Sonsuza dek...Her gün yaptığım gibi sakladığım mesajını okumaya devam edeceğim.Hani”seni çok seviyorum ve çok özledim”dediğin mesajını...Ben de seni çok özledim bitanem...çok..çok...Yattığın yerden benim için ettiğin o dua bir gün gerçekleşirse sebebinin sen olduğunu bileceğim...Duaların kabul olduğunda bunu sen de göreceksin...Seni tanıdığım için çok mutluyum.Hayatımın bir parçası olduğun için de....Kalbimde bir yer hep sana ait kalacak.Kardeşime ait....Cenncenn’ime ait....SENİ SEVİYORUM.
ABLAN....

Candan`s Blog Site

Candan`s Blog Site
Candan, sweetheart, I woke up this morning again missing you. It's the second week straight of rain in a flooded New England, and the weather does not help my melancholy mood. I was thinking of how I was always writing you to say that we would go to this restaurant or I would take you to see this or that around Boston when you came to visit. And I'm remembering how excited I was when you and Soren were coming here for Thanksgiving in your sophomore year. I had arranged to go home to South Carolina to visit my parents, but was coming back on Friday and planned on spending the weekend with you guys. Then my dad had a heart attack, and I wound up staying for over a week down south and did not get to see you and Soren that weekend. I've thought often how that was a missed opportunity to be with you.

Anyway, today you are in my thoughts again, as you are every day. And so is your mom, because yesterday was mother's day. I don't know if that is a holiday you celebrated in Turkey, but I know you had a wonderful, close relationship with your mom, and my heart was so heavy thinking of her.

Jill Pellarin

Candan`s graduation photo

Candan posing with the familiar smile for the high school yearbook (Spring 2004).

Thirteen-month-old Candan...

Here she is hurling a shovelful of sand at the picture-taking daddy - some of it ending up around her mouth. (This has been mistaken by several people as a postcard snapshot. I took it on the beach in Bodrum in August 1986)

Yahu benden baska Turkce yazacak bir kisi olmayacak mi? Lutfen herkes ana dilinde yazsin. Tesekkurler...

What Mevlana Celaleddin-Rumi once said...

Rumi was an outstanding poet, philosopher, humanist, sufi (no one word can describe Him) who founded the Muslim sect "Mawlawi-sm". He summoned and welcomed everyone to faith no matter his/her past. His followers are popularly known as the "whirling dervishes". Below is an excerpt (my quick draft translation to be refined later) from his work "Mesnevi", translated into English as "Mathnawi". (Reed flute is "Ney" in Turkish; it is a very common instrument not only in religious music but also in Turkish classical music.)


"The Reed Flute wails because it has fallen separate from the reed growth. Man too has been exiled to the world from the realm of eternity, from the realm of spirit. He is in agony because he has fallen separate from God."

"- Be all ears to what this Reed Flute is saying; it is complaining about separations.
- The Reed Flute is the friend, the comrade of who has separated from his Beloved. Its burning sound has torn down our curtains that prevented our union with God.
- The Reed Flute says in a language peculiar to itself: 'Ever since they cut me off from the reed growth, both men and women with feelings have been whining and crying at my wail. However, not all who listen to me can understand what I am saying.'
- Not all can hear my scream. In order that I be understood, I be heard, I want a sensitive being that has suffered the pain of separation, that has been wounded at the heart - so that I can tell him my pains, my troubles."

I share the Reed Flute's feelings. At last you are where you belong; rest there, my Love!

Let's add another photo....

Dear Members, I'm on the ferry, returning to Istanbul from a business trip to Bursa. I realized this site would look better with more photos, drawings, and illustrations. Candan would like some from you, too.






(Candan titled this as "Pretty me')

Today's visit

I visited Candan again today. I do this whenever I come to Bursa. This time I did not feel the grief of weeks ago, but peace. That was relief for me.

------------------------------------------------

I quote David G. Perregaux's comments:

"The first day I met Candan in class she greeted me with a big smile. From that day forth no matter what her attitude she greeted me with that same smile. She was a very special person who cared for so many people and has touched so many lives. I have a video of a practical joke I played on another faculty member and had the Schwiffs come interrupt class and sing love ballades to Professor Cullen. Candan, jumped up onto a desk and dance along with the group for the whole period. This is just an example of her free spirit. I am going to miss her so much and am thankful she and I became not just teacher/student but friends. I will miss you Candan. Dave '
10:01 PM